By: Cathi Adams
I miss being married. I miss the things we used to do. I wish our differences didn't bring us to divorce... BUT they did so.... I have to do my best to deal with the cards I have been dealt.
I do this by focusing on the good in my life now, cherishing the time I spend with my son, living my life to the fullest, and making my own rules. My son was 3 when I got divorced so he wasn't at the age to establish any homework patterns yet.
But he went to a school that gave homework at an early age so by the time he was 6 we had homework to do every night. I think that is where the term "nightmare" was born. It was horrible. I would get off work at 5:00 and get home at 6:00 pm. Then I would make dinner and by 7:00 we sat down to start homework.
Unfortunately, by then he was exhausted from a long day at school and in no mood to sit and do work. That's when the fighting would start. I just didn't know what to do. The last thing I wanted to do when I got home from a long day at work was to fight with my son. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at school was homework.
Neither of us was in the mood for anything but rest which, unfortunately for us, was not an option. I read everything I could and tried everything I read. Nothing worked for me. Getting his homework done was a horrible event. At the other end of the spectrum, there seemed to be paradise at my ex's home. He is remarried with a "stay-at-home" wife (a wonderful woman) who is there every day when the children arrive home from school.
She lets them have a quick snack and then it's homework time. They are done with all their work by the time their father gets home and life is good for them. At least that is what his wife said when she called me to ask why my son does homework at my house at 7:00 pm. "They" (she is speaking for herself and my ex) feel he should be doing his homework at 4:00 at my home like he does at "her" home. Hey, I wish that too... but in reality it is impossible for me in my current setup.
I am not sure they understand that. While I do have someone at home who stays with my son until I arrive home from work, she is not an authoritative figure that demands control of my son. My son needs someone who "demands". She is just not that type but she keeps him safe until I arrive home from work so, for me, it "works".
Even if the caregiver could do homework with my son, I am not sure I would be happy with that. I want to be here with my son when he does his school work. I want to know what he is good at or what he is struggling in. I want to help him in his studies if he needs it. To me, that is the essence of being a mother. Helping with school work... I know there is so much more but at this age this is a big area - and I want to be involved. Is that so wrong? So what ended up happening and eventually solved our problem was this: It got so late at night and his homework wasn't finished so I ended up having him go to sleep, then I would wake him in the morning to finish, and guess what happened? He would wake up and do his homework without any fighting!
He was rested and able to focus and complete the tasks accurately and quickly. It took me a while to realize I had options but once I did I thought - Who says a child HAS to do his homework at night? It's called "homework" not "nightwork" True he is home at night BUT he is also home in the morning, so if that works better why shouldn't I give it a try?
So a new rule was born. If he had a test we would review the material at night and again in the morning but written work was done in the morning. If he needed to get up half an hour early to get it done - he did. All of a sudden the fighting seemed to stop. Peace once again filled my home. Life is good now.
The point here is that when you are alone YOU can make the rules in your home and they don't have to be what the "rest of the world" is doing. They are doing what works for them and you have to do what works for you. It bothers me that my routine is so different from the routine at his dad's house but in my search for an answer I have sought the advice of psychologists and they say it is perfectly OK to have different routines in each home as long as you are consistent in each of your routines.
This current arrangement is so far from the way I thought I would be raising my son but as long as I am not hurting him and it works I will continue to do what's best for "us". It's hard to think outside the box but sometimes life commands different solutions and you have to adapt to them and go with the flow.
